A baby boom or a

time for Christmas temporary workers, increasing the influx of people commuting. The bus journey back home most different this last month. We have been packed in like sardines every week this Autumn. It doesn't help when the buses do not turn up either. The talk of double deckers and more chit chat than usual ... though by then I am all chatted out ...  

The many feelings of getting used to the strange familiar outside of the home. The new seasons with a more regular trip out in a more consecutive time. The bus journey is a transition time to lessen the impact on each shift on a ward. The sights, sounds and smells in abundance of others distress out of their environment ... the banter and smiles to lessen the negative experience they are suffering ... A simple smile makes many a day. Or a simple request or task ... and some appreciate in silence while others are more vocal ... 

Outside Disturbance of the peace

the Saturday after the oblivion of the commotion to start with until police and ambulance descended in the communal halls of a Friday night. This resulted in another disturbance this day when the police knocked with the usual queries after an incident  ... 

All I know is since the elderly gentleman vacated a flat, new people who can be loud have moved in. Though I have been here and there away in thoughts and sometimes physically away. I was in Kernow when the changeover of this void property was dealt with. As I was another time when opposite to my flat changed families... The new family opposite are quieter... 

The previous couple were noisy at times in all aspects of life, including in the making of a family ... when the third came along they moved. The policy of same sex that can share one bedroom. The mixed sexes sharing until a certain time then you can upgrade. That's how flat life is ... producing too many off spring or complaining about other matters to move on to a home. 

A few of us are just happy to have a home. 

There are six flats on a block. Until the elder gentleman departed, three occupancies were over a decade of being here. 

The legislation has evolved with life. On arriving here we had one overflow from the keyworkers block into general needs ...  There are five blocks of six flats. Two flats each on three levels. The only adjoining neighbours are ceiling to floor. One whole block is temporary accommodation. The key worker block has at least one general needs. The rest are general needs. The rulings of occupying the social housing to capacity to reduce waiting times. 

I under occupy. The irony in belongings overtaken life space. Though I was too young at the time of that post crisis, to go into what I thought would be a good idea of sheltered housing ... cos I was falling over and clearly incapable of life to begin with. I nearly lost a thumb  etc ... that was a whole other story. 

Never being in the right criteria for help cos apparently I chose that life ... that dismal holiday season. Lack of seasonal goodwill by unsympathetic departments covering the usual staff .. 

My sister still is remiss of the fact of the initial dealing of the lack of some understanding I am in the transference state of that life of a difficult husband's needs mentally and physically then rubbing off on me. 

The new kitten

hiding behind the TV cabinet with the first full blast of the firework days up in the North, tonite. I met him briefly for the first time recently. I did not think I would see him that tiny. I am due to see him next month. The plans in place for a remembrance Indian. A Christmas meal out with the foster family of the boyfriend. And then again spending Christmas Day with them. 

I am back in the bowels of a life disrupted with fresh ideas after a complete getaway. We explored the   North of Wales by afternoon where the language is spoken quite a bit. And played board games of an evening ... 

I am working through the tiredness. I have some fresh outlooks on the practicality of moving forward. In the winter it is getting to do the tasks in the lesser daylight without blazing the electrics. The schedule in attempt to settle in one room and craft away, when darkness falls. And work out the logistics of any keeps. The flourish appearing of crochet with charts, cross stitch and making a thank you card ... 

The tug and pull of doing only the practical craft making without filling up my own home ... 

The homemade calendar is requested again for next year. I have made cat toys. Therefore I am off loading the stash. One has had supplies in good nick to use and get out the home in a relaxing on the mood way. A win win. No outlay and the sparkle of those receiving the handmade with love gift ...

The lull before the rush

one early November day ....

The 52 sleeps before one day spent in many and various ways across the lands. The anticipation of the talk and glimpse of glitter ... for me a tonic for some retail therapy in the first inkling of time back in society.... A trip to Bromley which happened to be a little overdue in the plan to visit again, after the debut post trauma trip ... a place where the first inklings of the festive times in this area were made on a regular basis a long time now gone. 

In anticipation of new wanderings ...

 A haversack job this time around. The array of different luggage and now the winter season change of kit, that I have been busy with. All the travel booked up for some adventures in St Nectars Glen, Roughtor, Brown Willy, Dozmary Pool and other ideas juggled about ... I do not hold out much hope, until it actually happens. I have been rather busy changing, altering the lifestyle post death into widowhood. All in good time. 

I know I am anxious for the next new journey, although travelling from London Paddington, it is not the destination of North Cornwall this time round, rather it is another part of the country, I have not explored in this weird time. A swift trip down from the North West of England on a very first road trip with a daughter now driving, for a funeral in the Spring. This would be a taster to come. The invites then to come to this part of Britain. 

I will return on the coach from there, which cost the grand total of £2.70! ... city to city ... plus using that Oyster card for London city travel that now goes to my home station, to finish the journey of difference.... I am giving away my trade secrets of travel!

I have explored the city to city travel to plan my own iternary, along with the coach tours. I wonder when I be ready for that lone travel. The do as I please in my own time and whims .... 

Our muster in strength

afar it maybe... the vile deeds and not adhering to the wider picture rippling out. The common thread of towns where every space of the settlements sold for best deal in money and not for the wider good. 

We said the boundaries of a home would be continually pounded, since they built in the space opposite the already difficult exit for the paramedics and surgery deliveries to enter and exit ... the wall has been broken again ... It is currently an ongoing issue. 

The tirade of old and young not getting on in these mixed new builds ... The elder ones would like it quiet, and not be bothered by the natural noise of children growing in the tiny space allotted where it is more on top of each other. The stress this brings ... and many other factors including natural light blocking ... 

After all this site was built by the same company where a ill built wall fell and killed a child. 

The houses were rearranged in which way they were facing before, in the original planning to give less shadowing for a neighbour, who gossip has it gave a back hander... 

The more local talk in this town of the way the hierarchy behaved at the recent town council meeting on the new old planning applications, have the locals spitting hairs ... 

The demographics in its rituals of the influx this will bring on the already difficult to book Doctors appointment etc ... the counter retort will be the recent change in the way prescriptions are prepared  freeing up the valuable time in better clinical times and so forth ...

And the lurking

just below the surface of the to be bothered moments. The dark of days simmering beneath the quandaries each catch of a glimpse forward going back ... 

The darkness of time with no glimpse of good. A daughter noticing the recovery in more of the former self appearing ... that says it all really ... We have aged and life thunders on about us... whilst I appear to have moved on outwardly ... inwardly only I know it is never far in that receding abyss ... 

This last week working on the food stock rotation preparing for the winter weeks. The advertising all about me on bits of product labels irking me somewhat ... life outside a bottle or contents reeking of past stench in current days of echoes of life torn to shreds in last times as a family unit ... 

Today was remembering the good moments again. The focus that we have. Though the brooding moods of others that have no idea of a back story no one can envisage ... the dormant in the silence ... whilst I tend to the mood swings of others a focus too in the impetus in the healing of others .... 

Stunning splendour in grandeur

that greeted me once again from bygone days, this time in the capital. The churches in many strands of school and Guide parades carrying those flags in uniforms, buried in the sands of time near water, streams and tributaries ... the church the banns were read ... The magnificent building in which we wed in ... 

A little difficult to board

this train, that stopped just short of the train that the current travellers had allotted to leave on that passenger wagon that was due also about then ... 

The diverse travel ways in the world where the minuscule of timings matter, in the complex transportation of people, animals and goods in witness again that day ... 

A candle lit

for the privilege of parting with some pennies 

I had time to enter today! A place one time local ... fascinating to see this time in a locality past, this day .... a bit more of a trek to see. Though it will be much farther when back in a Kernow again. 

A short burst

of new experiences shared which took lots of rest, the pace gentle in slow starts to the day. The minimal time spent out. I am no longer used to long weekends like the once in past. 

The days lost still a tread bear in bare on the emotions. I now tire of much nonsensical... The moans heard that mean much to others and petty to me. You feel like thrusting forth to say appreciate what you have, not what you have not ... 

A Space experience

in this amazing world of ours .... 

A windswept look

or dragged through a hedge is how I was described this afternoon ...  

The conversation point in the weather in this changeable climate. It represents silently the winds of change innermost. I am looking to time on the coast again eating fish and chips. And the locality of a daughter for food and activities outside. The weather will not be an issue. We have funny memories of a picnic under an umbrella in the immense rain pour one time, to keep us forever smiling ... 

We just love being together; outside doing those usual activities again .. 

Pure cotton yarn and

the colours inspired in wanderlust. The luxurious feel of quality. The colours unlocked in items past found. Although I had no gumption; seeing this handiwork reminds me of the heirlooms that became. I made no promises to a daughter, we see how this time unfolds, with her request of sketches and design for snuggling up on and in. 

Another spur is to wade through the physical photos. The not seen periodically. The frustration in so much muddles. There is many not seen for a very long time. And where the bloody **** are they? 

All those in advise of the space back for the crafts and seek ... that was originally my intention. I could finally have an extended craft area until the the lull, still, and perpetual mountain of paper flutters and stuff vintage in more ways than one. 

Where time stood still and back. 

I have embraced technology in this self discovery with many directions opened. 

I have started out of the home too. The social aspect lost in the NHS list of jobs. The reliance on goodwill. The many thoughts of dog walking, food banks, and the fluctuating time limits and services cut in support  ... I finally got there myself with a sister ... 

in the silly and sparse summer season

with staff and people overstuffed in the wrong places. Already hard to make a appointment for a Meds review. It was hard to keep anger in check today ... I have had a run of things since last November with my lack of continued continuity in clarity ... it is long forgotten how hard this is ... 

It depends who deals with you too. And attention to detail in all around. 

The focus on locking it away forever ... 

I have found many different ways in doing the tasks on the wards. I do it my way from observing and being shown. If someone wants a hot chocolate besides supper round ... I will do thy best. The hospital food research in how best to dish out many meals in many ways for customs, beliefs and dietary or swallowing needs ... in more influx on other hospitals and overflows when other things close down putting pressure elsewhere. It is not good! All around ... 

A little lift

in spirits this July, the unlocking to create Operation Tackle ... The benefits of seeing the different terrains on and in my own county. A rest among the time in the dust clouds of bitter time echoes. The creation of space to function in another area of the home lost among the inadvertence and inadequate ills of another. 

When a daughter and her beau came to me to assist one July; it created and sparked a lot of ideas again... The fragmentation of time as a family in the lost seasons stuck inside. 

We had planned a trip to the seafront and the big screen ... We added in the local walk among the golden corn, maize and the soon to be harvested lavender fields that the boyfriend had recently seen on Facebook... The home league trip of the Salvation army to the once very local farm selling gorgeous goodies. The posting of this setting among the purple fields intrigued him .... He only happen to mention this when I made the suggestion... That was a then the very simple decision to get this experience in the new pool of our better memories 

Whilst he had shown me his locality in the summer months last year. It was our turn to introduce him to the country part nearby this home.  He had seen a little of the capital city near to this very handy location on the cusp of urban, the hills and vales of terrain reminding me of my original country coast roots. And how the road, rail and being in the North of a county means it is easy to do much. The memory of the Euro tunnel also being built in time here now means it is handy for a trip to Europe. This is on the cards to do  .... 

We took in the picture book in a delightful picturesque setting of a resting place nestled in a village too, along to the fields in picking your own fruit  .... He had never harvested strawberries either, which he very much enjoyed. 

The August of hops to harvest. The September of apples yet to come in the same stunning location of lavender .... maybe not this year ... The home move dependant on the final decision in the next stage maybe to come .... 

"Lock it away and throw

away the key!" "Short term pain; for long term gain" the wisdom of a sister in propelling me through yet another phase of ridding the past in all formats. 

I envisage this room to become the sanctuary, once I move the sorting area to the back room again... before all that came since that first Spring where it was for a time the place able to get on with, until more dilemmas were to come .. 

... a time when we were told to remove items of value before the clear. It was then forgotten it needed the room for these items in the swift turnaround of just four days in three months. 

The forgotten life to come back over in from the temporary housing!!!! 

The stuff back from that temporary accommodation... it was the most appreciated but irksome time ever in a complexity not thought out ... I hope never to witness again !!! 

Touched and moved

again by the pure core of appreaciation and unbiased support in times of need by all spectrums of people to one another. A lady bleeding profusely after falling over at a bus stop. This happened on a outbound bus journey to a destination being made in the county of Kent, one Tuesday summer morning. The bus driver who stepped out the drivers cabin to assist those already at the scene calling for an ambulance. She was not moving anywhere.... 

The same bus driver who had refused a frail senior citizen just previous to this bus stop from travelling on the bus to get into a towns library to replace her lost bus pass. He relented when the whole bus protested!!! 

A bus company policies  to using your discretion ... that I am now once again doing in small doses. This after failed duty of care to my loved one! I have a lot more patience. I felt for the bus driver too. Everyone was ganging up against him in a moment of time, though he soon redeemed respect within  moments of those left on the same vehicle who witnessed that time in motion .... 

This broke the ice in those public journeys in our space bubbles of stranger to stranger. A fellow passenger started chatting away as if we known each other a long time. 

It is no surprise really how Our capital city and others responded in kind to the recent series of utter horror for those personally hit by the recent events of Tragedy beyond words ... 

Strange hours in Stranger days

where life is falling in place; parts have yet to be there... 

the pull of the past less over time; in parts it is irksome to think it happened ... 

.. well it did ... it is now where there might be no escape from in the past, that is very much of who I am now. I am finding out in the two way conversations of those I spend some minutes with. This precious time in a mixed ward setting. Those who are stressed, lonely or all the emotive times in various forms, that we can all feel in our own worlds at some time or other ... 

time that impedes those who care for us at this moments. The social aspect filled in by those able to give time in this environment. And those who have nothing to drink on the table to mix with the water. And those also whose food is brought in for dietary requirements, to dieticians who have the time to make a different required drink on one beverages round. 

It was fortunate to be freed up to make this different drink. Those small sometimes insignificant actions that make all the difference... we may not have had it when socially excluded, by even my own kin. It is now I can help those that have no one ... to those where the non visiting time need that extra mile in life ...

A lot of forgiveness now going a long way in waves of kind in give 

The resurrection of

Peter Rabbit back in place after being rebuilt ... The previous man hours lost in ten minutes one February day by an arsonist ... This up in the NorthWest of England where I now spend some time in the seasons these days ... I am due to spend a long weekend up there soon. 

A day in the mix for myself. The more high end complete ready meals for one. The new menus on offer with the season. All in for an onslaught to get the home ready for space to haul out a slot in time The time to remove more shackles of the past that I don't have to look at by myself. The preps for loved ones to arrive to spend time together again. 

There are the times I prefer the lone grief to get to grips with. The other for others to be ruthless on my behalf when I rather not see. 

The summer celebrations

well under well including the fact it is now exactly half way between Christmas. My late Dads day, today. He liked that he had his greetings and gifts nicely apart over the year to look forward to in the annual times in occasions. 

The Housekeeper bore in telling family of my day to day to bring life up to scratch ... it rmninds people of much in valuing the small things. And making time to sort things including the photos I keep sharing that come back out of hiding. The stuff, stuffed in cupboards in boxes piled high to go through. It is only now I am really making more impact in my life. It will take time. The next countdown less than two weeks to get hands on to another fast operation to get the impact of life struggle removed. The part that angers me so. 

I will then get  to relook as to where I go from here. 

Back to humdrum

in repairs still not fixed communally in passing the buck at the ground level of staff in social housing ... I will check Monday to see if the communal repair report has been done or not ... I don't hold much hope. 

I have some photos though;  that seems to make no difference either!

The due process of 21 days for routine repair past. And an issue also reported in 2014 ... 

Daddy's day

and we are looking forward to the beginnings of another month when we will be together with the task  that is very mixed feelings in give today .... 

I am happy with what has been achieved. I an facing some darkness today, particularly after a night with thoughts disturbed by seeing others distraught ... 

I had a robust conversation generically about the events of the world in governance and failings in too easy to point a finger with those sharing the sun on a park bench. And those jumping on the band wagon to gain political points. I cannot print some of those thoughts. It is not correct in feelings ... I will probably never say as much ...They will go with me. 

The end line is the life we each lead. Mine even my dearest in dearest will not fully understand. They have let me be. They don't take offence in my occasional bluntness in their moans of life in change a little to put up with ... other tomes in times I stay silent ... 

This silence a part of life in life now ... 

I bet the reply will not

be the same  as my sister had to endure when I had no home ... This highlights in a big way of how we are treated when things happen out of control. There is no project management to assist once they shut up shop in day to night and weekends and holidays ... this beside being amid the way cut backs are ... 

These grief times in anger and bitter I so understand 

A break out

from the rituals of life bogs keeping me down. A little of the summertime breeze in a park filled with like minded Sun worshippers... 

An influx of different tastes in the shop up. The dish served up yesterday marinated in the usual better tasting second day dinner meal. 

Another interesting asylum themed as in psychological film watched. The mundane news aversion still in force a tad.  We were not built for high rise or fast machines ... The racing drivers wear all the gear as standard for fire balls and crashes ... 

We still do not wear such gear behind the wheel enclosed within the metal box when we drive ... Yet a sensible motorbike rider gears up ...We still do not wear parachutes ejector seats yet some pilots do. I suppose we would all be in a tangle ... 

The protection differing in hospitals, other work places to residential ... The highly toxic pollutants shift in time but still only emphasised last week in a fire safety induction in an acute setting. You will only have a certain amount of time to contain and rescue patients before these toxins kill ... 

... all or nothing ...

and a fascinating time in so much I will never be able to disclose. And ...yes still to this day bluntly  putting into perspective the life without basic needs and social contact to others when the life in carrying on can ring hollow for me in listening to others gripes ... 

an itty bitty time too. The catch up in functions that gets put aside when dealing with so much still to this day. 

and like many I have been denied of stuff too, from the way policies are hardened by those now in power. 

The deal out of history in eras never changing in the greed of money and power. The Robin Hoods, the highwaymen, the poverty, the tenements and poor housing, slums, the collection of taxes across time. The witch hunts and persecutions in new ways while we progress through the decades in Centuries ... 

The dreckly in a Kernow

town. A kitchen still being fitted. There is a start on the decor being painted. It is looking good. It is the peak time on a builders time. The juggling  of the outside jobs in the rains we had this week. 

Another kitchen where I have had a say in what the ideas will be. My family who know what they want. Though the guidelines on what colour or type of splash back will work!? There is an impressive array of decor being installed .... I am not at that juncture yet. And the homestead where once everything was good. 

After going to pot, the interest gets lost ... it is only more recently I have room plans being more constructive to alleviate the furniture land whilst clearing back the space .... 

Gross though the periodic

shift in process outside in ... the devices evolving over this period of process to recover much ... The technology established in the way I get those photos in a time line virtual ...

I have now been able to reunite a device with photos from that crucial timeline in tragedy and all. I aimed my camera to it to some to take photos at moments of the disgusting way we were treated. The  record of documentation to pass on to family to get so much dealt with when I could not look at it  ... it will be archived ...  that new feature coming on the platform at a crucial time in this gross pictorial record.

It is like my Mum who destroyed much when they didn't take the medical files of care recorded at home of Dads  ...

A tad of it was manually uploaded at the time ... when I was learning how to deal with these devices to pass onto to the relevancy at the time ...

The housekeeping and deleting virtual along with the reality ... 

The next ongoing phase to eliminate ... 

And the amazing photos too in the lucid moments I do not remember much ... Amd those shared in the wider circles of the milestones within life that carries on around. This when your own world sits in a stampede of surreal stillness within your viewpoint of in out. The cold freeze where everything is so different, cold and alien. 

The world imploded. It was not being able to do anything that I had become accustomed to. Absolutely out of my environment.... I belonged nowhere in the world at that point. There are many factors that scarred my whole being. I gritted my emotions to get through through the hurt and anger initially. And while I am appreciative of some of it. I have had to curb the thoughts of those precipitous times. And how the reactions of much through so much of human nature behaviour. I have forever silent thoughts about certain actions of certain people. A lot never spoken. 

A daughter, a sister, a Mum, a Dad some cousins and a young man who have been the only ones to get a timely glimpse of a tad of my truest sense of how I feel... and then only relevance to certain aspects of life, ill and death ... 

and one friend I made before I spent a lot of time in other problems begotten  .... 

The chuckles of

the last year in tidying back from time not bothered ... how it came to be in post hoard ... I had been so used to certain antics in adapting to not having the space It has been a long process on breaking the these new now old habits 

I have certainly felt the benefits of this slow change Today has been a terrific feeling despite some hollow rage within 

The quest to rip out and tip gets stronger over the seasons The quandaries on and into creating a little homestead or to travel about get clearer too Those times where time out and about were lost And a vocation came to a halt. 

I worked out my periods of time again on the last year is equating to lost holidays ... I am compelled to take on board the advice of the Volunteer services in doing bank work when prepared in repair ... it will suit this new personality tarred with disaster to not feel chained .. and so many people sing from the same hymn sheet in they are crying out for certain staff ... and my maturity will have benefits!  

A lot to get ready for it can still be too overwhelming... it can be difficult to get motivated or be bothered ... 

Only this week I have had to tell myself off, to get up and get on with the little tasks at least that are now seen to be formative in working a bit better in life all about and coming together in preparing a more organised time And I am seeing slightly better improvements on functioning that I am finding it better for the self esteem ... 

And just to commence somewhere each morning start,  on this ongoing remnants of time amiss in mess !!!???!!!

A certain politician flummoxed

in the figures ... it is forgotten how fluent and on the ball you need to be as a public figure ... How you carry yourself with all the 🎤 about. Behind everyone in a tone of life in public serving is a vast team of people and money spent doing so ...  All those leaflets printed to flutter up life in mountains of words as well as that paper, not even a scratch of what is involved in mounting campaigns. The miles circumnavigated, the vehicles splutter into the environment besides those word spouted, backtracked or fumbled over, the elbowing or pushing out the way of others for the self importance some have. 

I could not do the public speaking or the hilarity of jumping up and down on a bench at PM Question time. Though yes I can now deflect questions, after a few years of grounding in what happens when things go tragically wrong  ... I could be a behind the scenes researcher or adviser once upon a time  from my old self  ... I now have a little disdain still from what happened to us ... the respect I am trying to build back up of those in whose trust we put at time of ills and spills ... 

Hard task journalists versus Politicians

I often wonder where the vast domain of interests of a daughter, will lead. She was given many opportunities to find her way in the interests we get from trying out much .... she and we had the bane of the only child tag ... 

We all socially interact differently, in the world surrounds. We sent her out to drama groups to give the necessary skills of interacting in an environment and to quash her abundantly restlessness of inquisitive ways, you'd think it be easy with one child... it is harder work in some aspects ... there is no siblings like I have which brings a special understanding on so many different levels ... It gave her a different aspect along with the complex time with her Dad for all her scripts, filming that she had accessed too through different outlets at museums, college and the community etc ... 

She requested some of her film equipment that stayed here while she moved about each uni year ... for many reasons within a group of friends they stayed in halls for the duration of the first degree. Now in a more permanent base she wanted to pick up her filming again ... for which I am pleased ... she has a illustrious quality, that yes I am biased, of story telling, from script writing, stage direction to editing to the final piece ...  the sounding board we give each other for constructive comments ... 

She is fascinated like her deceased Dad with politics .... belonging to the youth councils through school led to much beyond those meetings. Youth polictics was one avenue ... the arts another ... leading to interview, debating, campaigning and public speaking techniques ... in both politics and story in narrative ... 

And belonging to the school signing choir .... and now teaching me Makaton basics too ...  and reversing the teachings of English from surpassing myself with her amazing knowledge in writings and story telling ... you'd never know she was once a mischievous monkey! A bit like her maternal Grandma the youngest twin siblings of her generation... 

Natures sound not of the

going to sleep with, or wake up to of those mechanical ways, one can buy to aid welling being . The true nature and feel of the cool air. The rain. The lightning and the thunderclaps. The storm that is happening right now at about 2am BST ... It is moving away in a swirly way  .. funny how you remember how  to tell the distance by counting between the lightning flash and the thunderbolt. Those now gone who taught you so much ... teachers in everyone besides your schooling .... though I have and had several Aunties who were school teachers! One later becoming a librarian at a Devon college .... 

Rethinking

of looking out for strangers luggage of fellow lone travellers when we need a pee! You can usually tell by the body language. I have along with others unfortunately been wary of certain times in travelling on public transport One particular coach journey when a load of people got on of the stereotyping in the media ... they had been drinking   ... that though was a quiet journey ... 

We are not allowed to consume alcohol or hot food onboard a coach  ...hot dinks can be boarded but with a safety lid ...  on trains you can get sloshed ... 

The varying degrees of the rules and regs stated from the various drivers over time on a coach ... the last trip back in April had the best driver yet. It was the Queens birthday so a joke of popping in for tea with Lizzie. And to enjoy and good luck for anyway coming to or running in the marathon!! 

The logic in life

and words a little in a mix today. Though we have had a challenging few days. I am thankful for a celebration this week on a very personal level. I gave no idea how I will mark the time. I will take it has it comes along in mood or mode! ... 

I might have a good bit of rump? Or a bit of a naked flame...

I have been getting my head round the home again .... The where was I? a fundamental feature in restoring a life within the walls. 

It had been another very interesting time in life outside the walls. The self scans at the nearest supermarket have so many glitches in the system it is beyond laughable. And the mark up in price from shelf to till is naughty too. The trade descriptions ! My late Mother in law worked on the deli in one of the big chain store brands for three decades. The changes within that time. One of which being trained up to cover the checkouts in later years. She originally selected the position because you didn't have to deal with the money side of it. They somehow found a loop hole in the original contract. And also the cover of the fish counter became part of it too. She was a well liked hard worker taking it in her stride, her only stance was the tills! 

No Nods

only to strangers ... one of many Doctors walking back from the bakers ... leave 'em to it. Down and up the other ways they would have got in a brief conversation... you know where you are by the dialect and friendlessness ... 

The logical within the local church movement too The leaders are moving . I wonder if that means those who fell out will come back? 

I have found often it is the unexpected qualities in movements that are most friendly... The wrap up in too much too of private quarters and doing too much to do actually assist in even a Hello outside the four walls of work or car ...

One by one ... of those in the community 

and it was thought I need assistance with social relationships ...I love the irony ! 

... the aroma of the past ...

... and that is the imaginary scent of the roses in the photos just by seeing them again, those from last year at the interment of the ashes of a key family member .... a journey yet again down the archives since one was widowed. I have been relocating those that get lost in time .... 

The before and after of the progress in new moments and a little before ... The time spent in allocating some space to house keep the amazing pictorial prompts, to aid a recovery of sorts. The logic in my thinking where so much happened in a condensed space of time. The only positive to that is to get a lot over with in life and death at the same time. With this time now the witness to some amazing sights and senses experienced in the making of where one is now. 

The steps trodden in many ways and forms. The before and after too of progress in life around and about in small doses. when most lucid.

I will never have the patience in the time crammed with still too much of the past in my domain, like some selective areas photographers pursue, I used to be so fascinated by, a long time ago now, pre widow time .... who photograph the same area at a certain time periodically to chart change, for example in many ways one use the art form in hobby or profession. 

SaveSaveSaveSave

Carefully what you see

a bit of cop humour and then the next clip of an inexplicable series of events unfolded ... the mayhem that tested beyond speech the efforts of the emergency services... 

... Where eventually the public assisted those who usually assist us ... 

Amazing few days in the reality of life on a ward, the unfolding scenes on a web clip ... the make up for those with facial disfiguring of what people call names ... or in fear of. My way round to a life again ...

The infection control team wander about the hospital. It is usual fathers who are particularly faddy. They heave up about things the doctors have given the all clear for. And more recently on a coach journey home. A father to be asking a lady to move her bag by the side on a seat, so his pregnant wife could sit in the disabled area too. Fair enough, then he swallowed up a lot of room and fidgeted about in front. He hogged two seats himself up front. A lady with a walking stick having to go farther down the coach to sit. Some are funny creatures when with their families, like a horse with blinkers. They do not see the whole picture of those too also in need ... or in the clear ... 

Contradictions

in all those support conversations... only to smooth a path to stop my vicious back lash ... you can never catch up ... there is the time in motion studies and Dads wisdom on life before I was faced with what was to come  ... 

My conflicts with those who do not let go. The denials. The impeded lifestyle lost on kin of. The quality of life destroyed to death. 

And now the cyber attacks will cause more ripples of deaths .... money, gold, oil, wars, possession over people. Now the bitcoin ransomware over the very core of our life as it is now for those not in the wilderness of life in ethos of eco or tribes etc ... 

Only this week I had a rant with my sister that ... throughout time those who lord it over... if it was not for the janitors, dustman and those who clear sewage they would be living in a pile of shit! In a whole life is for everyone ... we all play a part wherever we are in the hierarchical system that came to be ...  

All post trauma time

the years stretched across. I am now soaking the dust away that today's journey through a lot A time when making decisions on an online form of a Dementia buddy, Caring Companion or Skin camouflage or what I am doing ... 

I hope to find a vocation. I would have like to be in a town for this simmering time However I am going to a place in rehabilitation of working among professionals and the patients from all walks of life, while I get the gumption to dig deep in ideas and solutions .. 

The deep darks

to the flurries. The peak and troughs of time post traumatic. The life with a skip. The curl up and retreat .. 

One can say life and death is not dull 

Emotive illuminated

the days since I have been back from where I am more relaxed... The realisation the way in the agenda of a Project Mojo (and all the various nickmanes that I tend to give to it all) while I progress is in a crescendo period 

Another day in a supermarket restaurant if you can called it that these days ... for a lunch ...

A supermarket that had the restaurant with a good view the other end to where it currently looks out. I have seen many changes in this store, when I was out and about like second nature ... 

I am right. I view the world beyond differently. I have adjusted to more patience in some respects. And less time on wasting what cannot be changed ... or not worth the bother ... 

Another fling and sling. The logistics in planning for a daughter assisting to hurl some more. And then I will take it from there .... 

A clear and decorate to move or exchange which would be difficult ... I need a team of army personnel to move in one of the many trucks I see up and down the roads or an extreme 60 minute make over ... or a team of now non existent people ... I have many a time joked! 

Many ideas though the depressive lull in my creativity not there so much these days ... I tend not to ask like I can be bothered .... when I can execute my ideas logically 

The only trouble with where I live ... a skip would attract favours galore .... from the time when the ambulance was parked up outside my abode ... the repetitiveness of neighbours asking for advice with the medical personnel stating this was not the time or place ... 

My little haven ... for some time one dismal dark death day ... encased in an ambulance capsule ... the irony no one wanted me to see the way my husband was in his death pose .... !!!! In that unusual but not actually as unusual if anyone care to give more thought in as to why we collect. The collect to it may be useful some day culture situation, and making money from trash as seen in the media ... adding to the complexities of not coping while trying to hang on to what is past in reluctance to see that life changes as we get ill. 

Classic scenario my husband would still insist on three papers a day even though he was no longer reading or needing the one! That seems to stem from the time his father was a journalist. 

A daughter respects the no newspaper policy in thy home that reigns now! The impact lost on much along the way ... 

A Dream awoke

How it is to be .... the vivid detail ... the very essence of the conscious day is there in the wee hours 

The toils over

hours in time carried away .... the image different in a week since the travels ... the countryside whipping by ... although I fell asleep in part on a journey less jostled since a March road trip on the first pangs of an injury that took a while to mend ...

The new interaction of the wider family and friends and colleagues. The family up North appreciating my part in the set up of a new home last Summer in being renovated and decorated to date. The little bits and bobs I knew would eventually be useful, have indeed become so by all manner of people besides those two. 

It is not always at the time your wisdom is appreciated ... it is when they live it themselves ... as I did with my own experiences ...

My own late mother in law I have more on par with in this line of experience travelling along in getting to know the loved one of my beloved daughter   .... already the in law jokes on a trip to the pantomime with the buddies adult group ... having to put up with the son in law! They will not hear the traditional hat conversations or the baby talk from myself. 

My daughter and I are not conventional at the best of times. The life we led was not traditional. The experience cementing our bond, not destroying it. 

Three counties

... lots of banter across the miles ...

In the first home making their mark ...

A sister buying two more handbags! A daughter making use of the traditional Bank Holiday decorating to hire scaffold for the stairwell to get up high. For me a sedate time ... only been settling in for a week hitting the ground running. A time recent in the coastal brisk air to recuperate, this time too from a injury to the midriff area ... it was the tonic needed. The logic of the deep persistence cough causing the injury and not gall stones or fatty liver that is in the region too of that excruciating time... 

The tireless gumption

to tick myself off for getting maudlin. A lot has transpired. A lot has not. I have been in a town busy with holiday makers. The prices steeper in season and than up this way. An old primary school playing field now a field of brown. The foundations laid for the homes being built on it ... 

Another area once frequented has now been demolished. An empty space for now. The town was heaving with bikes of all kinds, as it is these days. The many greetings and conversations with the influx of people in a town bustling with those pleased with the cash tills ringing. And those who bemoan the bikes, the price increases. And the parking. 

The bluebell wood walks. The hills climbed. The primroses in abundance. The cows, horses, professional photographers, hikers and bikers, local or not. The off beat tracks and the Royal Cornwall show ground with campers and barking dogs. The walks among the dead of those well known in the various church yards ... 

The  sprinkling of time over another Easter in civilisation, the wind whipping through hair locks now cut short. The weather good and sunny in most part ... A time that healed another injury to self. 

A time anew through the hamlet's again on the diversion routes inward bound to Bodmin. I was afforded the magnicent views, from the vantage point and high up in a coach too. A new view of a town from high up the valley. A new superstore visited. The first time we had a celebration meal in the front room at home in seasons ... 

The route back home noticing more of these familiar routes each time past. The pit stops. The service stations. The flag atop Windsor castle. The diversion routes around London Heathrow. The flight tower. The rows of aeroplanes. And the familiar sight of the runways. 

The SW3 area I knew. The Chelsea pensioners. Earl's Court ... The Thames ... on the final part of the journey as we left London Victoria the top of the Houses of Parliament and the millennium wheel were visible in eyeline sight from the position where I sat  ... 

And a new brief encounter with a companion on this busy train home, hitting the rush hour for we arrived an half hour late into the capital city with congestion on the Motorways ... and into London ... 

The try to see

how all is meant to be ... the long drawn out process that started two years ago now finally at the last hurdle. The mischief I did some weeks now settling down somewhat ... thankfully for each extra day recuperation before I commence in an environment I selected with care. 

The part of me from that time I witnessed much. It is impossible to help everyone. If one dry mouth infection, or a bed awaiting in the unit overflows, or someone distressed, or moaning about what bothers them, or acts oddly to others or no-one to be there for them, is eliminated, one only hopes to assist to ease the situation for everyone involved in the teams.

The acquainteance with the very varied unit where many of us who do this fill the gaps and support in a role that will require inniative and reporting to, A lot of gumption all round. The dress code, infection control and being where required.

The placement offered with the knowledge that behind the scenes initially and discussions on from then the tasks offered. What I will do or not now in progression ... 

Conflicts, Confusion

and colour bright for now. The vibrancy a contrast to life echoes from time that has moved. The solutions to the quandaries still lingering ... 

For now, time reflections in many discussions in the best way forward from here ... One Monday bounce along on a suspension footbridge ... a pick up, chat up line done in jest, though near to the bone ... in thinking one was going to jump, when one stopped to take photos in the wind. The thought in holding a device sturdy, while the wind whipped .... 

The bounce in the whip .... and a flirt in skirt of issues nearer than one sees ... The definitive in the fact the tide was out, all in the banter of an excuse to chat! 

the steps anew, after the few ...

..in the springtime flourish, many walks anew ... 

I think these

people were sick of cleaning and maintaining too! 

Looking at all forms of accommodation!!! This would be acceptable to live in when you transfer it to some social housing and the assholes who let it happen ... in the social care system that fails so many! 

Push through

another day ... the tiresome. One hears one tell of their irritants. With part of my life I understand... The other part I can't disclose for no one generally shares unless the other side of the fence. Though generally from a text book and measures than a actual experience in part. 

The technicalities

in finding oneself. A mixed day. It is hard to keep a routine while the echoes of muddles about ....

in the archives ...

the family tree and magic moments ecxchanged anew and past... across the miles. The logic in getting ready to cross counties to be with the usual clan .. a season in change since Christmas of spending time with both maternal and paternal cousins in their homes. The partners of the cousins children. The friends of a Godmother and a couple at a Diamond do ... a seas of many familiar  faces ... 

I sat between a brother in law of a Uncle and the neighbours of my relatives from their last home, on a maternal Diamond occasion. My sister and another cousin we see a lot (once again for me) across the table .... the exact table layout of a photo that surfaced in the exchange of photos this week of another special, special do ... My paternal Grandparents Golden Wedding Celebration ... ! 

Transcending from

the abyss into a form of bliss. Though a rampant rage in the quell when dealing with some housekeeping in my electronic trail ... The swift skirt around what angers so. The many names in meetings of or across the air waves from post mortems, Coroners, church, to the support to the work I do online. The defunct, deletes, archive and put out of sight again for the next bout of ...where do I go from here ? 

The invisible

veil of seethe to get through ... the latest in what is deemed ... the too slow process in move will not be prominent to the blind institution that are in a world elsewhere ...

The enjoy of post apocalyptic programmes not too far from the truth in a world that was and still is distant to everyone in my circles ...

The inner fester

articulate in this particular time in recovering from I hope only mischief to myself in the form of those pesky bugs that sometimes lay us low ...

The phrases and sentences through the fog of strong Meds ... the way forward in dealing with the inadequacy of a system that just does not work entirely for spectrums of society .... The process and progress outwardly to the inner... 

And how to deal with the haunts and taunts from a time in no less than just turning the other way ... the sands of time in how certain professionals dealt with what to anyone was an over whelming situation ... A hubby left in tears, pain and worst of all no one believed he was dying ...

 those that later said it was less stressing for him to be at home .... What Home .... where was home ? It was a store house ... 

... on the other hand so many whys ... from an Autumn to a Winter and how what and never! 

Medication these Mornings

in week past to keep the stomach well with those strong pain relief Meds ... a little movie magic to absorb me for a time from the prickle in the side. The intense to dull while it mends where it never rests ... 

A week where the final piece of a very long process made a success all round ... now for getting into s pattern to move further along with routines ... 

The barriers in

standing ground with the stresses of others in the work place .... Those of us that take the flak of those who do not turn up for valuable appointment times ... The requirements to see a medical personnel ... today not hanging on the phone in persuasion... I had to get there face to face .... the trauma still from ghosts past ... 

Then the sell in the chemist that I already deal with electronically... only today I had the script from the Doc themselves ... my tone in voice of my exasperation today... politely ... in answering to ... is this my regular chemist and ... do I know it can be done electronically.... ! Yes....sssss and yes... ssss !!!! 

It was others to point out much in the last weeks. I do not always think of the simplest solution... the latest in my pain relief my sister suggesting a remedy. Thankfully I was with others at the time, my daughter's beau went and got the supplies for me ... though it was not enough ... needing stronger stuff not over the counter ... 

Easier to ask

than seek ... the story of life now irritant after time in mountains of non required stuff.  I know what I will be doing in the fling .... and it is not for discussion.... 

I require how I need now ... and it is going to get down and done.. 

The one agreement that it is not good for my morale here 

A new vantage point

in life and death beyond the palour of infected skin with now lashes or brow. The time of the out in ... the time on from mud sticking and the gutter splashes ...

The poo where pennies were, The muck skinging ... the eviction notices deliberate on a birthday ... the ground hog day of a few seasons hate ...

A little bit more

of a revise on what is to be ... but first some rest to see off this irksome bug ... my mum advice on much ...the best medicinal on those that go before and know what is to come ... only my Bmi much different to what my family is ... I am odd out on that score ... the reverse process needs a patience more ... otherwise the reinforced boat will sink if I want to get back to rowing etc ... 

A Saturday

satisfying, although I am not ready to be tied to anyone let alone a hamster ... the very recent shared conversation with my recently acquired grandparent of a cousin reminiscing of our own paternal granny who'd crochet and knitted for all twenty plus of us ... 

She has taken to baking and knitting for her new found generational time of grand parenting and joked I'd be more than pet sitting myself one day!!! 

Tranquil in peace

and recuperate .... the ardous time to get to the tranquility... and back again ... the stuttering emotions never far ... a lot in change to original .. the usual attempt at plans though go with the flow of what comes this way ... 

I am really missing my late Dad from seeing his family ... The surviving brother a spitting image ... the brother whose life we celebrated only this week, looked so like his Dad ...  it naturally stirred up much ... 

I have not had the time like so many when many things happen in a short space of time in where, what and whom have suddenly disappeared over this space ... March is a month my late mother law remembered annually, on alternate days of when her mum and dad died on two days following, but very different years ... she was 26 when she saw her Dad die suddenly. 

She herself was to pass away one March from a sudden problem in which there was no hope to recover from... 

Now we are enjoying some space in our respective lives doing many different experiences we can take for granted when it is no longer there  ... a granddaughter having a rare holiday, holiday more often ... nothing new in that, only when you know her back story, how precious this is ... to go and experience life beyond what we had a while ... 

A beautiful Monday

March funeral ... the ritual now familiar of late ... A celebration personal of a life known here and in Canada ... the Presbyterian from across the pond to the later years at the local Baptist areas ... The diverse life of a Uncle ... 

The maple, anchor, and a rose the symbols on all the paraphernalia ... The wake bar the main cortège for everyone before the service. The thought to the family and friends coming together from all corners ... 

A Saturday different

Another town, another time in a unique non chain coffee shop. It was lively being a Saturday. 

I am still at odds with the world in how we spend out on a coffee in an environment noisy, not private and never enough space at peak times. 

Let alone any other times, cramming in customers for maximum effect... 

No palm tree sprinkles here ! This occasion not in a city, by the coast, or in my local. 

A hop, skip and a jump from a daughter's home ... in a town centre where accents of the region are strong! 

Too remote

from life though pleased with the speed of tube and train to see a daughter again ... and to meet a dwarf hamster for the first time  .... 

And yes that smell of the hutch is what I said my mother in laws smelt like ... all that time ago seeing it layered with a carpet of newspaper...

...it smelt like a rabbit hutch with just the air of urine ... 

Just something simple as peeking in to meet ... how life is tainted with times that cannot be erased ... 

The haphazard

way of today ... the bumps and humps of last minutes in the preparation process to spend time elsewhere awhile. 

A walk out in the air of a town to print off the tickets to board the trains ... and the forgotten or needs of ills ... 

And the thoughts will never be far from here when afar ... 

Celebratory time

in a week ... only today getting the final, final funeral details for another person, confirmed on a little card delivered in the post .... a buffet lunch before the service. It is tailored around those who travel far, as is with the family. Single flower stem requests and the requisite donation if so wish too. This Auntie like me hates dead flowers on a grave ... 

The usual celebration of a life rather than funeral ... I usually do single blooms for my hubby, either there or here in Memory .... I don't have time like some who regularly visit these places... I attend periodically ... the anger that I have in what is left for me to do still .... the stem often sits here .... rather than there ... 

The array of subjects

that blow through internally ... the fun banter with your child, with mother coming to pet and house sit for you. The time to completely have a rest. The food stocked up for me. The ease in meals so I can enjoy myself. 

Though first a road trip together, to pay our respects to another deceased uncle, down in the West Country, a stay with another cousin for a night and few meals  ... 

The storm within

stronger than out today ... my private rage today ... I would not be very good company today ... the time never heals this ... the way one copes the best ...  the triggers avoided until regulations to keep the ties of life good ... open them up to the root of raw  ... !!! 

Logistics in travels

... and ills and stills ... the photos of all, I am enjoying today. The few moving images too. I am loving the plan of a trip to Wales, whether it will be depends on logistics and moods. I have an unexpected trip in the West Country. The rest from that to stay local in my daughter's town, maybe on the cards now. 

Just the change will be a rest. The plans for them to help the removals to start the next phase in earnest. 

I cannot quite believe the breathe of life back in the abode. And the way I am with sentiments now. The breakages too many since with the squish and squash. And the donations will be easier too for further than the thrift shops. The look ahead to less of much... 

Awash with a glow ...

.... and the mix of memories... the look ahead to see whether I can gain an insight back in those forthcoming care roles. Albeit probably behind the scenes for now. We shall see. I am presently keeping in calming with working back and forth on some chunky big needles watching TV with some tactile crafting. The seed stitch which is one of my fav stitches to knit up. This started  from muddled times when I was attempting to reacquaint myself with the home pleasures before the next batch of bothers, that came our way. 

The exaltation of life beyond another's difficult struggles. The grief different, so different that I kept it to myself. I do not. nor do I miss a lot of the time of the complexity missing period of our life. It was beyond an hateful time. A time we saw the bad ass of non life. 

A lot that will never part from this distant mind within ... 

A mess in muddle

to semblance of organised chaos ... though again in wind down, for various activities to break up the monotony... 

The clash of appointments all coming along at once ... the shuffle in time. The manage of time a big challenge in keeping time to eat, dress, sleep ...the patterns in breakdown, a lot of us succumb when we struggle to face what most take for granted. And get all scoffy cos it has not happened to them ... 

The timely misunderstanding, misunderstood... 

Let alone the juggles in keeping those informed when schedules change. 

The support system think in avoidance, when actually the world you are in is unlike any other in the still of time .... it floats in a dimension unlike any other. A world now past in the scheme of things... to the world around and beyond the door  ...

.... though not for you ... stuck in a past ... out of sync with all around ... a place indescribable and a lot in our circumstances ...misrepresented by opinion, diagnosis and the science of getting the right person the first time!!! 

The Pace ...

...not a race ... the rhythms in time and space ... somewhere within the strive to fathom the muddle out 

the space appearing ...

some more ... 

... concluding the depths of some cupboards. The seeing the light in the work out of what I will use now. The streamline easing the mind. The cupboards working, not laying idle ...

When one is overwhelmed, breaking it down in manageable tasks is no mean feat. The grief awash with the tasks where it is a consistent battle where those who think I chose to live in that! 

It does not show the true spirit of Sally! 

The voice

that tells a story to kin. I seem sparkling again. The impeded time. The spring functions kick in automation. Every season getting less hindered. The gulls are making themselves aware, this time I'm writing. I could almost feel I am back in Kernow. 

The decisions to be made still. This not the easiest task to restore my ambiance...  'ere in the garden of dengland for now ... 

The plans to uproot everything including disturbing my hubby in restoring our once plans ... 

In the occupy of

drifting through times a muddle. The post blues of loss of nutrients exacerbating the mood ... The stop feeling maudlin by the attempted to settle in the plans. 

I feel strag..a..lee ... I have started to vacuum pack some items to take with me to my daughter's. I don't mind the condensed carry to see if they would like some things. They raise funds for her vocational place ... anyways ... 

We have recently had discussions about picking up the teacher training suspending until Feb this year when her Nana died. They were not supportive of the fact she was the next immediate of kin. Her Dad already passed before his Mum ... The uni had been brilliant until them in her many losses ... one key family member per uni year ... 

... even though she is getting well into adulthood herself ... she likes to bounce her thoughts off with us ...now just me ... 

Try, Try, and

try again in the angst thrown up 

I wonder if this is the final new coats, trousers and footwear I will come across in a scattered wardrobe from those who sifted through my abode ... 

I wondered what else still to see; before the capsule life is only what I require 

One had no privacy left ... 

The year in said

of where it will be now ... the volunteer is in the frustrating due process ... but I have passed all criteria so far so good ...which means by the time I get to the destination I know it can transfer the skills ...

All that is left is the rot of a life gone to get through in the past with the rest, that I might recover faster with it not hanging on like leeches ... or the other word on the tip of my tongue ... this the time that sucks my passions out to dry ... 

The slower slow

pace to achieve the tumultuous tasks surround ... An area pulled out until I could no longer do it a while ... the jiggle in the tidy back ... the haphazard dump in the shopping trolley ...

To use this trolley to support myself in  the tasks to get at least the gas top up with winter usage and being ill reducing it from the maximum top amount .... 

My mouths tastes

like the back of beyond ... those pesky hormones ... I have managed to adapt my fresh food and use my freezer stock at this time. It is hard to do things to keep well when you feel dizzy ...Especially to replenish the nutrients that are being lost at this time.

I now have to juggle the budget to get a home delivery of groceries to keep up stock levels to live. And I hope I am well enough in not feeling too dizzy to physically to top up the utility's. It is good I wack on to the maximum on both gas and electric, so as not to think about it while I get in routines and the clearing and organising of life up... 

Only I attempt to keep it topped up fortnightly these days for the cash flow  .... and aggravated that my replenishing routines I trying to obtain back, are once again mucked up ... 

The time to plan

for a long time does not sit with me ... I am attempting the try this week to have a more structured time ... this phase I find the whim rather than structure. 

and the forray in my own planning system makes for a defining time in using the excess stock I have here ...

An idea to function my days in weeks in the move from here to there 

The days when you cannot

fail to see through the filters of communications. Though you do not always see. I will keep my thoughts only to my inner circle on this Inauguration Day .... and indeed if I have the right day ...