transition of time back ...

and not quite on track 

laying down me head ... not knowing how far I get ... the beauty in my world away from the world at these times ... 

This A Time Through ...

will be last time too

to deal with those 

when our time froze

of not good

understanding

of situations 

out the norm

Thank goodness

for those who do

unconditional support

and love 

from where 

and care 

abounds

the shadow of darkness ...

is here again ... 

it falls on life in a way ... that is not always understood by those of much or enough; only those who are silently spat upon in life ...

in every town, village and city ... we are a mixed bunch and variety of those who have ... those who do not ... those with a circle of family and friends and ... those who have not ... 

those who detest and those who love ...

Matter Of Fact ...

and focused on times ... 

The warmth, the nutrition still not taken for granted ... the joy on those who appreciated the busking from hubby times ... the gift of a buddha from a young boy ... the joy of happiness on the face of another youngster who was able to communicate in the usual way ... 

this instead of the memories stirred and noted ... the focus on those good in that bad ...

The birds are chirping

merrily ...

All is quiet ...

Life around carries on as per usual

Inside ... myself is a different matter ... On attempting to have a break from unusual circumstances

A waterfall from above ... A trip to the Doctors not with one but another sitting in ... And my Mum in law for the second time in a matter of weeks in an hospital bed ... Which in all the time we have known each other, she has never stayed in hospital as a in patient ... 

It is a surreal time ... 

All the while trying to assist my own family in things around here and a few trips out planned too ...

With a visit to my once doctors surgery too .. Definitely a bus mans holiday ... 

And thank goodness for modern communications... a visit to a hospital bed via the air waves for time with loved ones as those ends days come ... But to us all ... 

18 months ago

One sunny Autumn morning ... Our Dad passed away ...

This day is another poignant time how life changes again ...

Yesterday was such to those in the news ... And many others as time moves ...

Case in point ...

My body is on holiday .. My mind is not ...

And then life events at best of times

• Travelling 
• Through a city 
• On public transport 
• Putting your trust in a driver of a company to get from A-B
• Not able to rely on self driving 
• Affording a car in first instance 
• Legacy of confidence 
• The advancement of driving conditions while out of the driving seat ... 
• Change of routine 
• Weight loss ... Outfit adjustments 
• Taking care of self 
• Health 
• Oral 
• Woman's issues
• Swollen ear canal 
• Long long long term stress 
• Long term nutrition deficient
• Lack of sunlight 
• Lack of air 
• Circulation
• Decision making 
• Overwhelming 
• Where to start ?
• Not conducive even to this day 

And the worry of another in same condition and state as me ... Exacerbating our health ... Currently not good whatsoever 

• Who said we would recover ... ? 

Legacy left ... Legacy lost ... Facts speak for themselves in our outcomes ... 

Putting the world to rights takes ...

more than talk .. and our own little pocket of life and what surrounds us ... 

The irony of going back into society when I am ready where some including my late hubby are able to retire early ... if so wish ... 

And that many are not able to enjoy the job; from stress and performance stats ... 

It is always good to come out of my hole and be completely away from the environment to get the mind functioning ... beyond my space ...

It also makes one aware how much left and still there is to achieve ...

A Doctors Appointment Today ...

March 2016 

... But first time in a garden this morning enjoying the warm rays of the sun in a fragrant and colourful array of flowers  ... 

The Power of recovery ...

Travelling through a city to get to the joys of homelands afar from me currently ... 

And within 48 hours getting out and about ... A garden of springtime scents and blooms ... A hair style change ... A Giude HQ ... Their Arts and Crafts fair ... A long walk up the valley lanes and down the town roads ... A log fire and a movie of an evening ... Good food and catching up on the gossip ... And having a proper moan about squeezing in new builds like rabbit hutches ... 

Inspiring me so along the way from door to door despite my anxieties ... And deep loss of two of close family ... And their empty spaces ... 

A Rainfall from above ...

I had a bit of a shower from the flat above me ... The water came down the kitchen and bathroom wall and through the bathroom light fitting ... Fortunately it did not trip the electrics. I have had both the plumber and the electrician check all is well ... . 

The electrician has just left having made several fittings; including the bathroom one safe .... And what I like about this HA ... he cleared up the mess from removing the light fitting ... 

There went my early night tonight ... 

Anything like this where once it was matter of course ... Set me off those feelings of panic because the worse case scenario that can happen ... did happen ... 

I am now unwinding from an evening busy ... 

Queues At Lunch Hour

When people are sour and dour and keeping to time ... 

A lot of straggly tired people serving ... always with a smile ... Case in point with my observations on  the outside in ... 

I preserved my time constraints ... 

Where once I would feel hassled ... Life is to ... enjoy best I can now ... 

It is a sunny day ...

out ...

but not in yet today ...

I have done quite a bit today where once a long ago now I would have spent time in a service ... those days ... now ... it is very different 

and different again ... we were isolated by those who attend these places ... isolation is in all walks of life if you are a little different and do not follow a path ...

our daughter has a lot to say on this matter ... she does not like the way some still treat me ... 

I quietly strive and behind the scenes, too. Only this week I did some Voluntary work. You do not need to leave the home ... it is as little and as much as you can manage. 

And it is a mystery. That is another reason one cannot talk about what you do ... You have to have an even temperament to do it and be logical. 

When you have had a career, worked in different environments and people ... then become isolated from the isms in life and you grew up with the guide movements and then get supported yourself ... It puts you in good stead 

I have even thought of working with those who help support people with suicidal tendencies ... 

Bit of Beyonce

and Moonlight Sonato ... in fact lots of classical music again ...

All change in this home ... not yet coming together and where to next ... if a lot of ado and not set at my pace ... one is too slow ... the other too quick ... 

Aside from using one as in the picture from the other clearance ... One left with a lovely brutally cold legacy ... 

Toccata ... Allegretto ...

it will be good to play on my full size keyboard again ...

Last time I was teaching myself with hubby's assistance the theme to Eastenders and My Heart Will Go On ...  if I remember ... 

There is so much lain silent and dusty ... including me ...

Fiasco to Frustration

I hope to settle into the transition once the weekend arrives. I spent a productive Thursday evening ... I require to get through much today and hope it starts to fall in place,  the plans for the upcoming time. I am attempting to have a restful weekend.

By week end ... I hope too to have some time out to enjoy all around, and not feel rushed. I still cannot believe that all around me on waking daily ... 

A mixed up life, in a mixed up world ... I know my limitations and hope to adjust accordingly, to live from fiasco to frustration to much more fruitfulness in life and love ... 

The World within

a world ... Cleaning, a tidy up, a bit of packing, which although decisions have been made on clothes anew. I probably change my mind. I have given time for tasks. I had a reminder of things to keep I mind fo r travelling. 

Words commenced the day and then the usual distractions with the post arriving or should I say junk mail ... and images ended the day ... I have been increasing confused about the first year of life that changed. I have been intrigued with how my pattern of behaviour continued well into that year from the way the home as built up from letting things get on top of me .... from the photos ... And the unthought out return to home ...  How overwhelmed I was ... I let things slide ... 

• The items we were advised to save before the clear 
• The beds 
• Two seater
• Food stock 
• Home starter kit 
• How the cupboards were stuffed 

This came back and filled up the home again I had no where to put things ...

• All cupboards and drawers should have been emptied with support to put back in place from lack of air circulation with support in items coming back ... Plus the furniture 

It was not well thought out ... The muddles ... 

• Four days out of three months was not enough spent on it ... 

I do what I do ...

My aim to get through to this evening. I would like to try something I have been attempting to do among the daily dilemmas ... 

It will be frustrating until I fathom it out ... The end result will be good ... If if does not .. I will do something else ... and try another time ... 

Keeping with my task I attempting; try and learn something new daily ... however small ... 

Or as in my particular situation ...

With too much going on ... You have to somehow fathom where to be .... Wait patiently for the initial fuss and shock to settle down and finally get where I am presently .... 

I have learnt not to be patient in other areas ...  especially after events yet again last year in my care ... 

Low Noon ...

I am in the present ... Trying to remember a tad of mindfulness ... From both the Recovery Star which I completed and the attempt to interact further at Mind  ... Still struggled with social interaction at that time  ... I did not complete ... 

In mental health there is still reprimation if you have a bad time time and don't achieve ... It is not failing ... It may just not be right for you ... 

Let's see ...

where today takes me ...

Past Present or Future ...

One thing for sure ... Life is Different ....

I

Rather have not had to see anyone during this time with the way it has panned out ... Sometimes it would have felt better to have gone with it 

Another Day Another Time

like a conversation you start writing at a point of one interest and it digresses to the most odd memories of time past ... born in one county ... bred in another ... living in a Capital City borough and having my own children in another county ... 

And passing through many homes throughout that time ... a bit like the paternal line ... a nomad of sorts ... never quite fitting in at times ... your roots not quite settling ... All interesting especially in recent times getting to know people again, the exchange of information in a conversation more than just the pleasantries ... 

The thoughts anytime of day that inspire me in the now, the words that touch type wrong or predictive text throwing up words of interest and hilarious at times or so very inappropriate ...

March Winds to Do I do ?

Three nights in a row last week the storm warning alarm was set off ... We have had the winds ... All is still this Monday ... 

Already thinking about the day ahead and by day end I hope to have achieved a bit more in the task of removing part of the chaos of disorder onto a tad more aspired logic ... 

What is fur one is not for another ... Which is difficult for those who support it is not an exact science and how do you deal with what you are faced with at times ... These are the thoughts of my vocation 

Do I help others 

Do I write 

Do I craft 

Do I entertain for relaxation

Do I go into filming 

Do I do a degree in textiles or filming 

Do I combine both helping others and write 

Do I create from the kitchen tablec

Do I sell my work at table top sales and volunteer 

Do I start with studies 

Do I do an apprenticeship

Do I set up campaigns 

Do I set up a knitting circle 

Do I set up a chat and bake 

Do I set up a book club

Do I set up this spare chair for Sinday dinner I will have a table full being one at times now 

Do I foster 

Do I do those things that now have rules and regs making it harder to do some so simple ideas 

Among the Mess

hope and the gift of love that flows through this annoying abode ... the productive time of late and what may come .... ?

Still not quite understood ...

Stock Condition Survey

Cannot fully talk or write about this. Only that what is assumed, is not what is in this mind of mine. No one saw what I saw, especially the kitchen. What people thought, to what actual was, is still too hurtful to say.

I am not having a new kitchen. An irony only I know. The markings acceptable and obviously and ironically we looked after the property within the means of hoarding to the eye that briefly skims. This was the worse room too ... 

All that was said to hubby, not followed through and acceptable now, because they learnt from their failings to us that time in this home... whereas the other service has not...