The Ice Queen

with a warmer heart of late ... Enjoying the creaks and groans of a home or not ... plenty of playing about from unknown ways... and the bloody New Year greetings so soon after the festive ones of those you don't know too, appearing in the in box  ...

The sparks and bangs all evening. A Happy Entertaining!gift sent to the kiddie. I am looking forward to a decadent delicious sundae in them on a next visit .... seeing she experiments in the kitchen like we do!!! 

The iconic times created; these happy holidays again .... in many firsts for a long await that came again ... And thanks to photo shops without dressing up and that, and  that rids the crinkles giving rise to many more laughs too ... 

Rather a lot to contend ...

with ... thankfully for once a beautiful time with family ... a delicious meal with a pud using the harvest of apples from the garden ... 

The light and shade of the sun shining yesterday

It was a real beaut of a view yesterday ... the clearest I have seen the distant moors of Bodmin in Kernow, since I have been back out of the hum drum of the dark folds of time lost awhile  

... A more settled ...

... time since that restlessness ... the soon to be, soon enough back in mode to retrieve and remove the dire life that still throws up surprises ... 

What I said I would, I did and now for the next batch of ToDos, in what I write and tick off mentally. 

The pace not necessarily as I would have preferred. That is the quandary. It looks like part time. The recuperate on the mind over matters take long to absorb in the interim ... without the  irrits .... setting in and bogging me down in a veil of invisible tires, heard it ... and don't want to hear those silly moans in mundane life when there can be worse that most do not always see ... the exposure to silly, silly and what triggers to learn in deal ... 

Although clutter does bog us down; in life without us necessarily realising it ... 

And the many not to return a simple smile ... 

The restlessness

in time out to have some time alone. I retired early again. The comprehensive time this December in the strive to get to do things once, as did a long while back ....again. Tis difficult. I have really strived on dropping the widow weeds and sought the seek in what I can do. I find it draining just being away from the environment, just as much like when I am in it ... 

The plans more tactile. I now have a physical clipbook (which I also purchased for a sister who loves organisational stationery.) The attempt to do what all those supporting me, bar the community mental health team gently sought to say in achieving goals still unobtainable in mind... by jotting what I want to achieve down in ink ... 

I never thought I see my handwriting like this with diagrams mood boards etc .... again ...

... The walk ... one Boxing Day ...

the woods and fields ...

In colours gold green and blue white 

A cosy up

today which is surreal seeing I have been where are lot are in unabated times for some seasons ... which like good times no one can take away ... 

That nastiness and spite when you are down on in the gutter. The homeless who get kicked punch and urinated on ... I have seen that side of life in our situation ....

It summons strength to forgive those who did that to us ! 

Blown out ...

in thy wind. It ''twas and is very blustery. The exposure to news and TV. The interesting facts relevant to us within the social care in health complaints system and falling through the cracks in what I have banged on about. The storm Barbara. The festive rush to get to the Christmas destinations to stuff more than the turkey .... or nut roast ...  

...

I couldn't care less ... the daily reminder my life is very much off kilter ... 

And no one listens ... to everyday things ... 

If one does not want to do ... it will not be ... 

And the gossip and Chinese whispers of marriages behind closed doors. 

The interesting facts of a marriage disintegrated.... 

Emotive

mix ... the adapting to different dynamics more poignant than ever ... plans further tone the year in remind of how does one get back on the line of life 

Now full

swing in Christmas thoughts ... the Scrooge sound off. The time does not ease the pain of the loss I experienced in the September and particularly now. 

One can never switch off with constant reminders in everyday life. I am sorely tainted. This time of year particularly poignant... 

Homeless in doorways ...this by a German Market in one of the UKs cities 

A sight in regular ...

Landlords ... the state of

housing in all spectrums much in context on this trip... accumulating things and mould, rising damp and much more. An influx of moans surround and some very apt ones.

The trips to get people out. The therapy most needed to counter balance soiling and lack of self care, in the environment in. Lotta conversations and observations in another time. 

The gumption to set up a charity to fill the gap in society beyond my grasps. The task overwhelming for anybody ...  but very much needed ... 

A expensive Christmas market in indulgent ... whilst much happening here too ... busking galore, begging and the sight of homelessness in the doorways wherever one resides ... 

Christmas Pressures

that are so unnecessary... but it happens and ... unless like us get the experience of loss at this time of year ... it will continue to be or see it behind the fuss for what it actually all is ... 

I have no Christmas tree this year for I will not be there .... I have still had other decs and treats in November, for now I experience the plans to continue on in this time with the kids leaving the nest the same time I became a widow ... 

The different tinge on this family and friend time with near and dear ... 

An ex con

a practice manager, a pharmacist and many others in much in the lust of glut in seasonal fare ... and people think I am mad !!!! 

Astounding

in that mad ... and that I am thankful for ... a family connecting the dots in slow from the implosive whiles ...

One that is constantly reminded by triggers this time of year .... 

December in

with many creaks and groans and not just me ... today the belly of the home too ... my daughter's boyfriend gets creeped out ... and with good reason my daughter and I have witnessed much and long before hubby died here ...

The shivers in quivers tonight was I not so traumatised ... and unwinding before lying down my head ... 

And literally letting the dust settle in the bedroom where I heaved and shoved today ... and much I have done in these weeks past ... in clearing many over indulge moments of madness of one deceased spouse excesses in life  ... 

And the innuendo in much words again 

Emotional Upheaval

and times in much disarray in this past time back from and now back to be inspired by others life's again ... 

And getting to see a city and town and country in a county not stepped on, in too long a time ...where a lot of the maternal family hail from, and loads still live and work there. And those now frail that used to entertain us much ... 

Tumultuous turmoils

in these ... the strive and struggle for inner peace ... into nostalgia... 

The tray bakes of delectable home made cookies and cakes ... the home made Choux buns, Chelsea buns, breads, jams, chutneys, and the Christmas cake for school... the exhibition of our decorated wares at open evening and Christmas spirit a plenty ...

In more ways than one ! 

The homemade sweeties and cookies ... in more recent times ... the mulled spices not so much toiling over a stove ... simple easy makes that are such a delight in a kitchen once again in restoration! 

A lotta difference

in change for 2017 ... a wind down in tome ... the hopes enough time in tasks restless ... when what you knew abruptly dissolves and stops ... the result in reconciliation is far too much for one to absorb ... and comes in swathes anew achange continues until I find the rightful path of life choice ... 

A lotta foggy

in the mire. The fun encapsulates the tinge of anger. The focus of a three day weekend doing well despite severe mood swings ... The tinge in much more than anyone knows or at times realises.... 

A talk later about those stupid audition role like interviews to gain a place in society again ... I will certainly need my acing skills in full mode ... 

The ideas

...  at least with the budget time in the end of the month of the months, takes the mind away. The think back in what is absolutely unnecessarily to be a burden ...  when I am away from ... how to approach things in the tackling the time stood still ... areas. And the find of gifts never given ... 

The one minute this ... the next that ... 

The hard decisions to get done and dusted ... I have had enough sleep on it and advice I can get ... To have it done and be in the environments I am used to, The being able to go out and do things again would be a gift in itself ... 

.... Stations of the Cross .... Inside Out ...

... the films from a summer to now ... the laughs with Big Hero 6 

I was offered inside out to watch over the Summer with my family in Crewe only they understood my then aversion to it ...

I have now watched inside out which has a universal rating .... not seeing the warnings labels with no DVD box to see  ... it could do with the extended peril warning ... in the universal sense ... it drags on a bit with the no hope ... but again that is the reality in this subject.... 

By far the films I have enjoyed recently are the other thought provoking with a message, but again the too stressed out life of workings of others creativity in the take of the world around in modern times ... for e.g. The Intern (2015) ... featuring Robert De Niro Anne Hathaway  Rene Russo

I am very cynical now of the moods in overly corny...though  at the same time appreciative of the works in the brilliance of portrayal in message ... especially when they hit the spot in relaying it in its rawness  ... without the frills ... 

Very thought provoking films indeed. And you also need to be in the right frame of mind to watch Stations of the Cross too... especially in subtitles being a German film ... I find the subject matter of interest and miss my frank discussions with my late hubby. I have read a particular truthfully account of how ... I will have to come back to that ... the name has escaped me. 

Immersion in the religions, retreats, speaking in tongues, the all for and against and those who are atheists, and again others words I had in discussions in the summer with my daughter's partner has escaped me tonight. 

And the most capitivating personal experience of all in more recent times was with my own late Dad. He, who right up to his coma in the Spring before he was to pass on in the following autumn ... was an atheist himself. 

What his personal accounts of that time in stark relay to us in that time in a world he had found there into another ... and in the reply to our Mum on that recount while in that coma  ... he retorted  "I can change my mind, can't I " ... That says it all really .... 

Spread seasonal goodwill

from a gift horse in the mouth 

A food hamper parcel consisting of and not limited to ... 

A big bag of pasta 

Jars of various sauces

Porridge oats 

Longlife milk 

Golden caster sugar, not refined

All purpose Flour 

(in a decent packaging)

Oil ...

(which can be used in cake cooking too)

Cocoa or similar 

Tea 

Coffee 

A bar of Chocolate 

(foiled wrapped)

Foil ... 

(useful to cook in if not much cookware)

And for those with no oven 

Microwaveable food items 

And for ease when no fridge 

Drinking chocolate 

Add water version 

Q tea 

Coffee mate 

Etc etc etc 

Only a tad of what I have been on the receiving end in survival until life was sucked out the home 

All with good dates 

And you could packaging them with labels for no fridge, no oven, no microwave... 

And donate to the local church etc etc 

The harvest festival, shoe box from days gone too 

The most importantly much I learned in resourcefulness when no oven, then no fridge and then too weak to use the microwave until death came ! 

Declitter and evolving

in the streamlining of everyday learning in these things ... the on the go of the world in all things ... in this fluttery cluttery situation. It is good to have instant access. This after living with the keeping track of those vital papers etc among the mounds of OCD excess and phobias ...

My daughter eager now after much updating in the ID world. The getting the driving licence that got muddled when strangers came in to en masse a much required clear... sorted ... 

I though am still not ready to get behind the wheel yet... this someone who once would have done the advanced driving had life not gone skew whiff! 

Declitter and evolving

in the streamlining of everyday learning in these things ... the on the go of the world in all things ... in this fluttery cluttery situation. It is good to have instant access. This after living with the keeping track of those vital papers etc among the mounds of OCD excess and phobias ...

My daughter eager now after much updating in the ID world. The getting the driving licence that got muddled when strangers came in to en masse a much required clear... sorted ... 

I though am still not ready to get behind the wheel yet... this someone who once would have done the advanced driving had life not when skew whiff! 

Dilemmas in diffident

an aspect of life long before my current social trust interaction ... It is not given due attention as the other skills also acquired out of the school system ... Thank goodness for the girl guiding movement where I gained a heap of skills including the Lend a hand motto not only in the community, but the world wide interaction with other cultures, being on the sea and so much more etc 

It is not only peer bullying either .. it is those in authority... 

Whilst I was at school one teacher was adamant that my maiden surname was not not what it was, even though it was written down in the lists of registers... ! 

Today the teachers not only scream, but yell too. The more so now caning went out .. 

In my days at school ... 

Our heel, skirt, and hair length was measured in secondary. The PE kit of the unimaginable these days, both in Primary and Secondary education ... it all seems so archaic even now. 

The days of being In a previous generation to mine of being clipped round the ear by a local bobby for scrumping. It still happens in different ways in alter of the supposed ethics of the evolving society of punishment in crime however insignificant 

A lot little less

... yes ... the rumernating into an action plan all in sorts. The sudden bolt upright time of it, I then realise I am in calmer waters in the storm aftermath ... 

The panic to subside into a smoother ride ? 

The times in the still of a night when all is deeply quiet 

A little lot more

the refresh in movement to rid the suss in mess... The tying up of ends. I can never really catch up. I do what I wish. A lesser self appearing in all aspects. Another pair of trousers loosening  up. The alter in much it does feel alien .. but better. The conflicts in the freshness back in light living ... 

I sometimes wonder if I hang on for part feel of the last days ... it was all rather ripped away ... 

Parts too fast; parts too slow ... 

Talk in town

in the buzz of the proposed planning of the high buildings in the multi-storey and flats as part of the regeneration coming to a Kentish Town. 

The new age of land owners waltzing in, pretending to consult and go all through due process in all that. Then do it anyway. Where have we heard this before?  A mothers meeting in a Kernow town earlier this year.... and many others ... 

In the find

to the unwind ... the bitter mix ... the overload on one ... at least on hot days the curtains closed do not look out of place ... my sisterly advice to keep on the level ... 

The therapist who advised her I choose to live like that ... The ripple advice again on assumptions in analysis not knowing the full impact of my life ....this therapy on our Dads demise ... my sister too the impact of so much .... 

no wonder people swallow tabs and jump or hang or whatever method to leave this idiocratic world 

Ever so slowly wind

down of here again ... It takes awhile to get in the right place to travel ... I woke up and was adamant it was Wednesday, until finally bothering to check

I fly or not, through the home for the next batch of back to how I like it  ... And then remember my initial TT of daily reminders of basic functions, my first ever care cordinator took the time to do in broken English ... 

This happens with hoarding too busy for life. And for me of another and neglect easily one self in the daily care ... That most paramount basic of life that drifts off under the piles too ... 

The take the time to wash, dress, eat and tidy from the evening before or our case the day before ... then I tackle the devastation like remnants ... I have had some odd ideas, one being the death day items I have not let go yet, that are private things from that godforsaken time, that I do not need reminding ... Yet I did ... I need to be ready to do that ... Do I really need to see it ... ? Just to bin it ... may be ... a day to do that and deal with the aftermath by getting to do something pleasurable 

It is not staying or moving with me ....

The requirement of reinstatement of life before, in acknowledging the change from encumbering time, to a life beyond all that now in anew and more zesty now I can shake it all off 

Parameters

of silly not the dappy everyday occurrence  ... the overwhelmed disassociate... of pre during and post traumatic 

The clusters of time overwhelmed 

The light at the end of a squelching foreboding tunnel

More than the green moss the white chalk red clay 

More than the shadows of stalagmite and stalactite 

Removal

in gift ... in positivity a space of breathe appears ... whereby once it nearly took me too... a result in appearance of love of life once more ... I am still shredded of all I am asunder  ...  the last few days, the various times in a summer of memories enticing to all the senses one can feel more again ... 

..... reminds me so in the glory of such beauty where once the shadows of dark crept ... they can still descend and smother me ...

The Contents Spill ...

...the almighty reminder still about ... the stories one day I might get to help in those 

who may require assistancd in the glow moments I have in pieces 

then the other feelings descend ...  instead of transcending light the dark flutters in a spin 

The conflicts that bounce around in my life ... now instead of .... ... .. .

... To the tiniest piece of ...

.. life back in a home ...

A Friday eve of a bank holiday weekend 

I enjoyed an evening walk on the 1812 overture night fireworks, in this town.

I did not go this year ... preferring a stroll, a shop and a sit. 

I heard the bangs and whistles, whilst out and about. 

The balmy summer days end in enjoyment elsewhere ... in thoughts of life change ...

The reluctance do schedules

.... The structure disintegration. It still takes some getting used to this. I am out of tangent. I am out of alignment to the rest of everybody.

I hope to be left in peace to finally get to look at those areas. The areas I do not talk about. It will propel me back in time before.  

Curiously in the

cure ... the recesses of past life on the back burner for a long BH weekend. On Tuesday I may extend to get to the country. I was too rail lag to go these days past. The alignment back in the black grey thick fog of a hole.  The other recovery trips forthcoming

to stop me holing up in a world away. Where I rather much be.

Is it ,,,?

or Has it? The way I wake up to a crowded time, the impact on creativity until I turned the tide in making use or fun of it ... 

The cross in chuckles. The cram of much in catch up too. The swift hurl unfurls where I would rather be. The face off of the tatters in remnants. At least the plans to live in come,  will I hope keep me focused ... and not too lost ... 

Words may escape

A showery summer visit to a coffee shop with an old bag 

... photos speak in many ways ... 

The original before adding  atmosphere with filters and frames

One photo ... Many ways to interpret  

The cheat in tech of instant these days 

A lot frown on ... for me who needs to be swift in catch up ... brill !!! 

Find to the back

the tipsy topsy world of changeable moods ... The dark within; the thoughts I once had. One wrong word misplaced in the day, can be a huge trigger. The silence reigns over me again. The time has moved. In thy mind it is crystal clear and stuck. What others did to one; is insurmountable. We that are left, the forgotten ones. 

I have been jesting with daughter today. Her boyfriend did something hilarious last year. That was admitted to me. I was at his foster familys' for Christmas Day and it would naturally have been brought up in the banter. They thought they better tell. Although it was a could have been dangerous situation;  it turned out so farcical and funny. A lesson learnt the hard way. 

Back to the find

here with time split to cope 

A long weekend of ease back in 

The forms filled and filling behind the life structure we lead 

Those that flit in and out if bothered 

The time in silver ... as thy solves 

Those life mystery in question 

A lot in a season of time ...

a scitter scatter, a time with various strands of the family ... London boroughs many, including Central London, another member of family not seen in years, in amongst many, the now see more of since, a prayer meeting of a denomination of another ... travels anew in the old. 

A greatness in time, a meal with a cousin to say thanks beyond words. A new beautiful restaurant found of a favourite. 

Cornish coves, wrecks, lanes, plantations and memory moors... A glimpse of the Atlantic from afar from a trip round Edmonton on to the other part of the trail ... a road old past and the roads anew 

The new by pass and a rank in smell sewage work; all built since I left this land to pastures new ... and full circle in time to come back to ...

This a tad, a glimpse in season in coming back to a world I thought so lost to me ...

Twirling and a hurling

through this very night
the wit that came
twas too dark, at times to write
That hubby would get it
And know I twas alright
and would have a twinkle
in my wicked humour sprinkles

A difficult day to decision days

I have been restless ... I worked it off constructively... 

The wind down of one phase for the next in a life left tattered .... 

I now have the task of tidying up from the array of alladins cave to donate ... the clearing of a pattern of behaviour and the continued pattern of living post crisis ... 

That adjustment period ... I am re-emerging ... And it is noticed by even the newest member with my clothes and shoes ... I am morphing back into a style ... 

Spouse time ...

in those moments now not to be ...

lagoon blue seas

long past; not to see

now just thee ...

new destinations now I'm free ...

Will be filling up a battered old uni case

with bits and bobs for the new home ... And not mine ...

I am passing on a selection of DVDs ... I might drag this up myself or they will. This until the learners are experienced in this route ... we have been doing this since time in this started with various bits and bobs so as not in the landfill ... 

Hubby never did this route as planned ... He left us when his mind went blank... 

I could do with Harry Potters wand

... All the things to walk out and settle in its new home ... 

life supposedly don't  work like that ... As for time travel and all the other surreal things ... I joined a disenchanted world in this day just past ... 

For everything we create ...

... we require the undoing of it ...

Whether it is us ourselves; if our remains are still intact on death 

Or the home we create ... 

Unless again nature takes its course 

And again we rebuild ...

... This area in a lounge was obscured by a wall of boxes ...

 nearly ceiling high 

Light and shade in the black holes of this abode 2016 

... It is now down to mid height collating stash ... paperwork ... photos etc ... To a stranger to my circumstances it would look like I am about to move or do a craft or boot fair ... 

Off the chart today ...

... but who cares ...

... Shirty, sh***y, cursing mood ... Apparently cursing and laughing and crying are good for you ... 

I wonder when life became the way we now live in our pockets of land; who thought up these irritants ... with the good ... And the greedy ... 

Ruining the planet for petty things ... All of that seen with those stupid irritants after living with a tad of it ... building up in my way ...

The not being able to keep on top of it all ... For a time ... 

Still amazed at the transformation

... appeared and appearing ...

Despite the agitation of mess in the tidy, in the mess ...

In a home muddled after a series of unfortunate circumstances. All on top of one another from the initial spouse who died in tragic circumstances. After being ruthlessly cut off of heat and hot water access in complex circumstances ...

Who too was eventually not long prior to that death; diagnosed with OCD hoarding ... 

And with more contents coming into the home from the recent death of his Mum too .... This time at least just contents of one room minus the items we did not need to check ourselves for any sentimental things   ... 

That was done for us ... We donated the clothes and a chest of drawers to make it more like home ...  in the first instance ... to the home ... 

The continual change of ambiance ...

within the home in swiftly moving items and again from Tuesday to Wednesday last ... and virtually daily since ... 

The swiftness of organising the lastest bereavement ... And peeling back the layers from all back to the disorganised Central Heating upgrades... 

again making a mountain out of a mole hill in explanations on why it was not done when initially cleared and the property empty ... It would have been a lot easier ... 

The stuffed home ... certain items missing ... food stock ... Saving items before the clear ...the move to and fro the temp accommodation... with a replacement item that had the target of incineration ... and saved items ... coming back in with no room for them ... 

The move of a kitchen cupboard in an already overwhelming time of being left with a home dated and mouldy ... Those items were not touched by me ... They are still in that room ... 

The muddle of a time with a put back together thumb injury ... The flow of life still coming but not going as such in tandem with a dying Dad and a mother in law request of overseeing a home with cousin of another overwhelming problematical abode ... 

What One Sees...

... another does not see ...

The brutal reality of mental health ... Or understanding the dying process ...

Or even the legacy of life in ruins and collapse around you ... One died in the cold ... Another a few years later ... 

Life drifts on ...

... into our separate ways again...  Big changes and massive changes all round ...

... peace descends for now ... time and space I now like ...

A mixture of time spent on new, newest and old loss in remembrance ... clutter from life in death ... 

and time in a social context and new and more new areas visited and explored ... Sights sounds anew too and more words and images created 

And a ruthless time in change of life to come ...

Less Circles in the round ...

And more straight lines of destiny ...

Fate turns bittersweet into life anew instead of askew as of  late ...

A legacy left is moving into a new dimension ... 

The support of the next generation in appreciating my values in life 

The welcome felt my those that now matter to me ... 

Music, Moments anew and more ...

And I have achieved until now a day for me and myself ... of which some of the memories are in words, that I have logged as this precious day progressed ... Through a reflective thoughtful and quite time 

Beautiful on the senses ... I had the time to taste, smell, hear, touch and see ... with what makes me happy  

More Transparency Less Greed ...

this even more vivid to me now post adversity. And in all areas of discussions with various people met along the way since my husband passed in that travesty of time ...

I am unable to face working in the retail trade, as once it would have been OK ...  

The working environment in artificial lighting ... Is only just the beginning ....

It is hard enough as a customer to go into these environments as it is at the moment ...

The greed of product placement of items you do not really need ....it has long been noticed at the aims of children too ...

The way the optical illusion of selling products to make it look more than there actually is  ... The fact too of a good deal ... watered down ... 

The prices rising and less product at the same time ... 

In some areas you pay for what you get ... There is still too many  areas where you do not get what you pay for?

There is so much out there that is still not transparent despite coming some way since those Eggs in particular ... 

All ... said and done ... For all the advances in technology and brilliant minds who have thought up and invented things through time and the rapid times in the last century or so ... There is still greed in life with the fact that we could ... have a lot more available to us ... then we do now  ... to make life a lot easier all round ... 

Tides of Time

How daughter and I have had a brutal change in our way of life and plans set aside for the unthinkable 

irritation in the skin

Is the sign all is not well in my being

Another trip to get help...

Task in task

A tidy mind ... Mind blowing clutter ... Preparations to clear the way in a life of modern clutter since newspapers and collections through time ... Cluttering up life for people who do not let go or and cannot manage simple tasks in life 

The impact on personality ... life ... Far beyond the people involved ... 

Afternoon tea ...

The onimous dark sky only vaguely aware of ... 

The hail left off until I was indoors ... And down they came the lashing easing into a light drizzle of rain ....

I decided on a light meal for the minute ... And see how I feel after a luxuriant bath ...

I'm letting the mood guide me presently 

I went out this afternoon via a visit to the funeral home before catching the bus into Dartford ... Again sitting inside a while and a walk into the entrance of the park ... With holiday activities on today and my mind down memories of long long ago ... 

Familiar but oh tis so different

Many memory moments

Trying to continue on the recovery route with the latest loss 

Hope to get back home soon and see what delights I can cook up with a bit of those ready meals to keep on top the nutrition values I have been feeling better for 

I been out and about various places new to me after time away but once not so new ... If I had not 

A Try Again ...

... Insulation in a world away ... Tis much pleasant in an ironic way ...

Tis a reminder after yesterday's determined efforts to try the usual normal and ways of once ... Taking  control of destiny and going with it again ... 

Death as in life is not conducive in trained conversations in others at the end of communications 

A Day Back In Life ... A FTER ANOTHER DEATH ...

... walking out via the funeral home ... the body held up from the back log still one week later ... 

A walk in the bank ... to attempt ... to pay a bill ... too expensive for the amount ...

At least my medication pick up was a little simpler ...

A change in a policy ...

An attempt at a phone call to get the bill paid ... still no joy ... so complicated ... will await the usual three attempts at phoning me out of office hours specified with those funeral arrangements that can't wait for decomposition ... but in this country the slow grind of wait for us ... rid-cu-lous ... 

A frustrating day on a simple task of disposal of a loved ones remains ... and with a loss deepened from my late husband not here to do this for his Mum ...

The first night on my own ...

Since my mum in law was promoted to glory ...

The clutter in the home at present of coffin selections, the outfits the bibles the song books the plans 

The hymns ... The hospital items ... and all those belongings that come with this time  ... 

And the photos sifted through that are not yet entirely in a good state from the in laws ... For a photo montage set to music ... 

All that is the way to say goodbye and plan the disposal of what we leave behind ... A gift of thanks to celebrate a life with the enrichment of time spent  ... 

... And now gone ... Onto a different plane ... 

transition of time back ...

and not quite on track 

laying down me head ... not knowing how far I get ... the beauty in my world away from the world at these times ... 

This A Time Through ...

will be last time too

to deal with those 

when our time froze

of not good

understanding

of situations 

out the norm

Thank goodness

for those who do

unconditional support

and love 

from where 

and care 

abounds

the shadow of darkness ...

is here again ... 

it falls on life in a way ... that is not always understood by those of much or enough; only those who are silently spat upon in life ...

in every town, village and city ... we are a mixed bunch and variety of those who have ... those who do not ... those with a circle of family and friends and ... those who have not ... 

those who detest and those who love ...

Matter Of Fact ...

and focused on times ... 

The warmth, the nutrition still not taken for granted ... the joy on those who appreciated the busking from hubby times ... the gift of a buddha from a young boy ... the joy of happiness on the face of another youngster who was able to communicate in the usual way ... 

this instead of the memories stirred and noted ... the focus on those good in that bad ...

The birds are chirping

merrily ...

All is quiet ...

Life around carries on as per usual

Inside ... myself is a different matter ... On attempting to have a break from unusual circumstances

A waterfall from above ... A trip to the Doctors not with one but another sitting in ... And my Mum in law for the second time in a matter of weeks in an hospital bed ... Which in all the time we have known each other, she has never stayed in hospital as a in patient ... 

It is a surreal time ... 

All the while trying to assist my own family in things around here and a few trips out planned too ...

With a visit to my once doctors surgery too .. Definitely a bus mans holiday ... 

And thank goodness for modern communications... a visit to a hospital bed via the air waves for time with loved ones as those ends days come ... But to us all ... 

18 months ago

One sunny Autumn morning ... Our Dad passed away ...

This day is another poignant time how life changes again ...

Yesterday was such to those in the news ... And many others as time moves ...

Case in point ...

My body is on holiday .. My mind is not ...

And then life events at best of times

• Travelling 
• Through a city 
• On public transport 
• Putting your trust in a driver of a company to get from A-B
• Not able to rely on self driving 
• Affording a car in first instance 
• Legacy of confidence 
• The advancement of driving conditions while out of the driving seat ... 
• Change of routine 
• Weight loss ... Outfit adjustments 
• Taking care of self 
• Health 
• Oral 
• Woman's issues
• Swollen ear canal 
• Long long long term stress 
• Long term nutrition deficient
• Lack of sunlight 
• Lack of air 
• Circulation
• Decision making 
• Overwhelming 
• Where to start ?
• Not conducive even to this day 

And the worry of another in same condition and state as me ... Exacerbating our health ... Currently not good whatsoever 

• Who said we would recover ... ? 

Legacy left ... Legacy lost ... Facts speak for themselves in our outcomes ... 

Putting the world to rights takes ...

more than talk .. and our own little pocket of life and what surrounds us ... 

The irony of going back into society when I am ready where some including my late hubby are able to retire early ... if so wish ... 

And that many are not able to enjoy the job; from stress and performance stats ... 

It is always good to come out of my hole and be completely away from the environment to get the mind functioning ... beyond my space ...

It also makes one aware how much left and still there is to achieve ...

A Doctors Appointment Today ...

March 2016 

... But first time in a garden this morning enjoying the warm rays of the sun in a fragrant and colourful array of flowers  ... 

The Power of recovery ...

Travelling through a city to get to the joys of homelands afar from me currently ... 

And within 48 hours getting out and about ... A garden of springtime scents and blooms ... A hair style change ... A Giude HQ ... Their Arts and Crafts fair ... A long walk up the valley lanes and down the town roads ... A log fire and a movie of an evening ... Good food and catching up on the gossip ... And having a proper moan about squeezing in new builds like rabbit hutches ... 

Inspiring me so along the way from door to door despite my anxieties ... And deep loss of two of close family ... And their empty spaces ... 

A Rainfall from above ...

I had a bit of a shower from the flat above me ... The water came down the kitchen and bathroom wall and through the bathroom light fitting ... Fortunately it did not trip the electrics. I have had both the plumber and the electrician check all is well ... . 

The electrician has just left having made several fittings; including the bathroom one safe .... And what I like about this HA ... he cleared up the mess from removing the light fitting ... 

There went my early night tonight ... 

Anything like this where once it was matter of course ... Set me off those feelings of panic because the worse case scenario that can happen ... did happen ... 

I am now unwinding from an evening busy ... 

Queues At Lunch Hour

When people are sour and dour and keeping to time ... 

A lot of straggly tired people serving ... always with a smile ... Case in point with my observations on  the outside in ... 

I preserved my time constraints ... 

Where once I would feel hassled ... Life is to ... enjoy best I can now ... 

It is a sunny day ...

out ...

but not in yet today ...

I have done quite a bit today where once a long ago now I would have spent time in a service ... those days ... now ... it is very different 

and different again ... we were isolated by those who attend these places ... isolation is in all walks of life if you are a little different and do not follow a path ...

our daughter has a lot to say on this matter ... she does not like the way some still treat me ... 

I quietly strive and behind the scenes, too. Only this week I did some Voluntary work. You do not need to leave the home ... it is as little and as much as you can manage. 

And it is a mystery. That is another reason one cannot talk about what you do ... You have to have an even temperament to do it and be logical. 

When you have had a career, worked in different environments and people ... then become isolated from the isms in life and you grew up with the guide movements and then get supported yourself ... It puts you in good stead 

I have even thought of working with those who help support people with suicidal tendencies ... 

Bit of Beyonce

and Moonlight Sonato ... in fact lots of classical music again ...

All change in this home ... not yet coming together and where to next ... if a lot of ado and not set at my pace ... one is too slow ... the other too quick ... 

Aside from using one as in the picture from the other clearance ... One left with a lovely brutally cold legacy ... 

Toccata ... Allegretto ...

it will be good to play on my full size keyboard again ...

Last time I was teaching myself with hubby's assistance the theme to Eastenders and My Heart Will Go On ...  if I remember ... 

There is so much lain silent and dusty ... including me ...

Fiasco to Frustration

I hope to settle into the transition once the weekend arrives. I spent a productive Thursday evening ... I require to get through much today and hope it starts to fall in place,  the plans for the upcoming time. I am attempting to have a restful weekend.

By week end ... I hope too to have some time out to enjoy all around, and not feel rushed. I still cannot believe that all around me on waking daily ... 

A mixed up life, in a mixed up world ... I know my limitations and hope to adjust accordingly, to live from fiasco to frustration to much more fruitfulness in life and love ... 

The World within

a world ... Cleaning, a tidy up, a bit of packing, which although decisions have been made on clothes anew. I probably change my mind. I have given time for tasks. I had a reminder of things to keep I mind fo r travelling. 

Words commenced the day and then the usual distractions with the post arriving or should I say junk mail ... and images ended the day ... I have been increasing confused about the first year of life that changed. I have been intrigued with how my pattern of behaviour continued well into that year from the way the home as built up from letting things get on top of me .... from the photos ... And the unthought out return to home ...  How overwhelmed I was ... I let things slide ... 

• The items we were advised to save before the clear 
• The beds 
• Two seater
• Food stock 
• Home starter kit 
• How the cupboards were stuffed 

This came back and filled up the home again I had no where to put things ...

• All cupboards and drawers should have been emptied with support to put back in place from lack of air circulation with support in items coming back ... Plus the furniture 

It was not well thought out ... The muddles ... 

• Four days out of three months was not enough spent on it ... 

I do what I do ...

My aim to get through to this evening. I would like to try something I have been attempting to do among the daily dilemmas ... 

It will be frustrating until I fathom it out ... The end result will be good ... If if does not .. I will do something else ... and try another time ... 

Keeping with my task I attempting; try and learn something new daily ... however small ... 

Or as in my particular situation ...

With too much going on ... You have to somehow fathom where to be .... Wait patiently for the initial fuss and shock to settle down and finally get where I am presently .... 

I have learnt not to be patient in other areas ...  especially after events yet again last year in my care ... 

Low Noon ...

I am in the present ... Trying to remember a tad of mindfulness ... From both the Recovery Star which I completed and the attempt to interact further at Mind  ... Still struggled with social interaction at that time  ... I did not complete ... 

In mental health there is still reprimation if you have a bad time time and don't achieve ... It is not failing ... It may just not be right for you ... 

Let's see ...

where today takes me ...

Past Present or Future ...

One thing for sure ... Life is Different ....

I

Rather have not had to see anyone during this time with the way it has panned out ... Sometimes it would have felt better to have gone with it 

Another Day Another Time

like a conversation you start writing at a point of one interest and it digresses to the most odd memories of time past ... born in one county ... bred in another ... living in a Capital City borough and having my own children in another county ... 

And passing through many homes throughout that time ... a bit like the paternal line ... a nomad of sorts ... never quite fitting in at times ... your roots not quite settling ... All interesting especially in recent times getting to know people again, the exchange of information in a conversation more than just the pleasantries ... 

The thoughts anytime of day that inspire me in the now, the words that touch type wrong or predictive text throwing up words of interest and hilarious at times or so very inappropriate ...

March Winds to Do I do ?

Three nights in a row last week the storm warning alarm was set off ... We have had the winds ... All is still this Monday ... 

Already thinking about the day ahead and by day end I hope to have achieved a bit more in the task of removing part of the chaos of disorder onto a tad more aspired logic ... 

What is fur one is not for another ... Which is difficult for those who support it is not an exact science and how do you deal with what you are faced with at times ... These are the thoughts of my vocation 

Do I help others 

Do I write 

Do I craft 

Do I entertain for relaxation

Do I go into filming 

Do I do a degree in textiles or filming 

Do I combine both helping others and write 

Do I create from the kitchen tablec

Do I sell my work at table top sales and volunteer 

Do I start with studies 

Do I do an apprenticeship

Do I set up campaigns 

Do I set up a knitting circle 

Do I set up a chat and bake 

Do I set up a book club

Do I set up this spare chair for Sinday dinner I will have a table full being one at times now 

Do I foster 

Do I do those things that now have rules and regs making it harder to do some so simple ideas 

Among the Mess

hope and the gift of love that flows through this annoying abode ... the productive time of late and what may come .... ?

Still not quite understood ...

Stock Condition Survey

Cannot fully talk or write about this. Only that what is assumed, is not what is in this mind of mine. No one saw what I saw, especially the kitchen. What people thought, to what actual was, is still too hurtful to say.

I am not having a new kitchen. An irony only I know. The markings acceptable and obviously and ironically we looked after the property within the means of hoarding to the eye that briefly skims. This was the worse room too ... 

All that was said to hubby, not followed through and acceptable now, because they learnt from their failings to us that time in this home... whereas the other service has not... 

The Extra Day ...

lots to write out about ... To get inspired ...

Despite the sadness of a day celebrating the first leap year extra hours it gives, in the gift of the presence today of a life that once was here with us in our personal timeline as we all interweave in the fabric of life, death and beyond with our echoes of legacies ...  good, outstanding or bad and ugly ... 

Those chance meetings ... The twists and turns ... Of decisions made and unmade ...  Time unfolding and gone through each word ... As I pass through this post....  publish and them words floating in a time bubble, then left in a millisecond 

Yet Another Dawn ...

missing all has gone who was special to daughter ... The time line of special guests at our wedding through our life together and since death too... 

From just before her first birthday when maternal Great Nan passed way, but not before writing her last greetings card which happened to be the series of birthdays in February which our daughter the last of that month ... 

A lasting memory in a photo of four generations of the women in that particular family line ... My Maternal Nan, My Mum, Me , Our Daughter ... 

valentines through to birthdate

a special time once as a couple recalling our time on the impending birth of our child ... Over two decades ago now ... A male midwife ... A quiet labour room to a doctor being called in and needing an emergency C section ... Getting prepped for surgery with all these people appearing out the wood work ... A husband all kitted out in scrubs and wondering why he had to wear boots ... It soon became apparent ... 

more and more decisions are getting

sort of made ... still can go round in circles ... I get so absorbed and lost in time ... I am trying to focus on the good ... unfortunately the bad crops into the thoughts ... a slow suicide is what I have told to those I trust ... the blame game from those, in that local resolution meeting to deflect the lack of care ... and continuity ... well to list out my concerns is a task also to update and those files that cousin has too ... my cousin started the process at the appalling conditions he witnessed after learning of our circumstances ... Dad was in the middle of intense treatment at the time ... he stepped in and being the nearest at that time ... I picked it up last year  and however long it takes ... I will get something out of that doing nothing  ... 

Time Not To Think

... All wrapped up with good times and enwrapped and snuggled as can be ... Spring cleaned a bit too ... Sanded down a piece of furniture even just the feel of that makes it feel home is coming back ... 

To Tantalising The Senses ...

the senses are the most vulnerable to succumb to loss ... the many things I learnt .. to go out in the light after dark is overwhelming beyond words at times ... the taste of good food in a good environment ... Most importantly having the time to taste and digest the food ... the conflicts of being in and out; neither good where does one belong in the muddle or out in the muddle ... and ... neither understood ...  

Testing Times ...

limits passed time and again ...

for others time passed to a time they think is OK ... for me nope ... anytime it could happen ... spring is in the air ... I am constantly taken back to a more than bleak mid winters time ... 

But then ... 

Life was a bit of ...

a quagmire ...  today  ... or yesterday as it is now ... What goes around,  comes around ...  Is all I can say ...  Again a poem springs to mind ... But I have not been in the mood ... Or mode when such pain is stirred up ... 

Every time I pull out the home and there I am in the middle of this disarray I get bothered ... And the thing is I get panicky because of the way we were treated in the last days of hubby life ... That is a legacy that's hurts so much ... And how my family who have their own life ... Help me through it 

For Another Momentous Year ...

to be marred by clearing from a life long going now ... I might as well try and make the time the best I can ... I give thanks and appreciation to those who spend precious time, going through the various logs of these blogs, whether fleetingly or regularly ... so many of you have passed by in this short time, while I have charted a tiny piece of the lives we lead and intertwine ... wherever in this world  we are and as we continue day through day ... season through season. Whether we are near or far or the way the world evolves, giving us access to a more personal view in life as it happens sometimes ... that was once in a very different format of communication available to our ancestors... 

As I have embraced this electronic world that with thanks to those closest to me. I am able to get through a particular difficult stage of our life here. I hope that this helps in even the tiniest way; as I have been helped and comforted by all that surrounds me, despite the profound loss of a dear husband and the events that befell us ... 

End days of another January

certainly a sparkly month in moments this time since One Dreary December Day when I became one again ... a time that is getting one step nearer of being back in a small market town to reside my later years hopefully to come. 

I hope that once that settles into a new life style pattern ... I will be more settled ... 

In the meantime taking the scenic route to this destination and enjoying what is left now. I am working through a once vibrant home that became a bleak tunnel of store rooms and restoring it back for one ... wow all that space is mine now ... once I make it fully habitable again 

It will be another first

with February approaching for those who say the first without those who pass on before you, are the most difficult. Each year that passes is a first ... it is another unique anniversary never repeated ... This year is yet another momentous one ... A leap year ... a rare celebration of our engagement, one leap year past.

You adapt instead. I still celebrate. I have celebrated already this year, the private times one shares in an intimate relationship. Those moments, this time many years ago when I was due to give birth to our child. Those memories I only have now. The midwife who stayed after being off duty, that I had a rapport with. A male midwife in attendance on the ward when I was first in labour. The emergency C Section, with hubby wondering why he had to wear boots, when he too got prepped, to be at my side for the birth. It soon became apparent!

Despite our distress at the op ... the fact of being able to see hubby's delight, who was peering over the screen to see our baby arrive into the world  ... remains with me ... a once shared moment ... gone for now ...